PAST... PRESENT... FUTURE

RUMINATION...

2011-08-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

its hard to understand that you always want something and get something else. its like having a phobia about your own life. The intensity of being too much left alone and getting over...

well, people say it's never too late to make a decision for your own good. but the question is, how to deal with it and the right time to process it.

The thing is, life is too short and unpredictable to be aware of what might happen then and there.. It's like i have to always have a back up plan of what might come up. You know, nothing can be trusted. every thing is so unexpectedness.But i guess its time for me to show up my strength and move forward. Giving up is not what it is. hoping and dreaming is lasting way ahead of me. every thing is going so far away from me. i got to stop thinking it over and over again. but what else could i be doing? considering the consideration might get a help if i'd put up them in ink... i needed to do this. i dont have anyone to talk with.. well, no body is worth listening to my craps as i am not in a condition to gain sombodys sympathy in my life. And that makes me feel miserable. so, its always better to be alone and just rant out every word i want in here.. in tat case, no body can hear me or see me burning and dying from inside.. i know, it CUD have been better if i try sharing this with someone... well atleast someone... but you know, i just hear them say, "every things gonna be okay" when i totally know that its not ever gonna be okay.. so why wasting up the energy of mine to something whihc will eventually never make me happy.

i still havent stated what my problem is... see, this is whats wrong in me. i never bring out my problem and keeps on, u know... shouting, blaming, ranting... and watever it is... guess it makes me feel better..

i have always knows.. the ones who are around me, never actually understands whats in me. or what i am capable of. some simply judge me by just u know, looking at me.. and most of them are the ones which i have good impressions on them. it really makes me feel weird and u know ugly of who i am ... i mean, WHY do people just hate me JUST LIKE that! i dont get it.

is it the look? or the style? i dont know.. anyway.. i really cant state my problem.. i got too much to write if so....

i just hope this made me feel better.... actually lets say it did not!

i really wish to get a ride out side, drag in to a dance club... or have a beach party out somwhere where i can be accepted and LOVED...

some advise

2010-09-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

let me tell u, people meet people in times of there life.. its natural that we fall for the one we think we are in love with, wen actually we are making the mistake of not understanding or lets say, not knowing each other that well.. what i am trying to say is, basically we know tht being human beings, we should accept tht, life wont give us what we always want and that the best thing is to accept everything happily no matter you may have to cry.. Allah has never complicated our life with depression and sorrow.. its just we who doesnt understand what we've got! now if i am not wrong, for example you have a father but not a mother, so you complain to your self that you cant live without a mother, lets say, you have a fulltime busy scheduled job but you cant sleep well,, so is it time to complain?,, or lets say you handle money and power very well, but you cant handle your wife! so u complain??
NO! its not even close to complain! its just we humans never thank for what we have and got. just imagine, allah has given us a good healthy body with a brain. that makes our life. what else do we need to complain? there are tons of people who are blind, homeless etc... we should be thankful for what we have rahter than complaining to our selves. be patient with what ever face you! dont try to find the path over your head, but try finding it underneath you foot. then only you'll see your self in the right way..

Hush little baby...

2010-06-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

hush little baby dont you cry,
mamms gonna stay with u all the time..

Papas gonna come to us some day soon,
till then come here and sleep next to me...

Oh my lilttle darling baby, dont be afraid..
nothing can touches you under my care..

Show me once again your smiley face,
cause, its overwhelming to see such a new thing,,

oh darling baby, i cant take off my eyes from u..
how lovely are u sleeping right beside where u came from....

i'm EXpEcTing!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-16T04:52:00.000-08:00

ey guys.. long time no see eh?..
lately i've been struggling here and there a lot,, actually within this year.
first at the begingin settled in Addu, apparently, the settling lasted 6 months then for a HUGE reason again came back to Male' settled there..for like 3 months and now with mom and dad for getting PREGNANT.. yeah! you've heard right! i am pregnant and now three months.. had to go cause husbands always away and cant live alone in a situation like this right?? anyway, yet the tummy is still the same and i think no difference is there in my weight..

ok, the reason i couldnt update: no internet at the moment.. but dad is making a room for me now and as soon as the rooms done, internet will be connected. And the reason now i am writing is cause RIGHT NOW, i am back in Male' for a week, to consult the doc... will be leaving pretty soon. things changed and specially the old life,, but no worries hopefully i'll be seeing all my friends shortly.. somehow... :) "always thing positive" eh? <_0
so, see you around guys,,, will be writing..
regards to all..

Tagged!

2009-08-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

hi! muwwaz tagged me... err cant remember when.. but i just logged in...(its been days, i know) so lets get started with the thinking... to figure out if i cud remember anything in my early past..

hmmm

1) i used to plait my hair from two sides since nursery till grade 5
2) i used to have a loooooong hair till 2007
3) i used to be a table tennis player (since my first grade till grade7) and was rewarded 3rd place in an inter school tournament when i was in grade 5
4) i remember some of my classes;
1K, 2D, 3..., 4D, 5M, 6B, 7A, 8c3, 9c3, 10c3
5) i scored 97 in maths when i was in grade 7 (it was the last term exams) and i remember Naffa miss giving me a biiig hug..
6) i remember Faizan and zameel bullying me in my primary grades.. because i had had andhun on my eyebrows
7) i remember dad coming late to school to fetch me..
8) i also remeber that dad was the one who always went to school and that mom rarely did...
9) i used to go to KTC since grade 2 till i finish school.
10) i remember my commerce teacher in tuition class favoring me..
11) i remember Azhar sir, our English teacher from Aminiyya..
12) i remember me crying on bed for a looooong time when i was very small.. (cant remember exactly which grade) because of mom letting my lil ssiter go out and keeping me behind..
13) i remember mom and dad buying us Barbies when ever we get an A report.
14) i remember that i cried aloud when i had my first period :p
15) i was once taken to TVM for a children's show, where we had to play lava baazee..
16) i remember the last time i swung on the kudakudhinge bageecha..
17) i remember my dad beating my bro with an eaklebroom till it get tornup..
18) i remember my grown up house in Male' (we moved in to the place when i was in grade 2 and left the house only last year) i miss the place a lot..
19) i remember mom making us food.
20) i remember my brother beaten up by some gangstars because of me..
21) i miss living with family together..
22) i miss my brother making fun of mom and playing jokes over over and over to make her laugh.
23) i remember the family trips we used to have
24) i remember mom slapping me on a road infront of tons of people.
25) i remember a lot.. cant wite all...

hey Muwwaz, thanks for tagging me.. i really have lot to write.. but i cant....

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

2009-07-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

have you heard of multiple personality disorder??

Multiple personality disorder (MPD) is a psychiatric disorder characterized by having at least one "alter" personality that controls behavior. The "alters" are said to occur spontaneously and involuntarily, and function more or less independently of each other. The unity of consciousness, by which we identify our selves, is said to be absent in MPD. Another symptom of MPD is significant amnesia which can't be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.Memory and other aspects of consciousness are said to be divided up among "alters" in the MPD. The number of "alters" identified by various therapists ranges from several to tens to hundreds. There are even some reports of several thousand identities dwelling in one person. There does not seem to be any consensus among therapists as to what an "alter" is. Yet, there is general agreement that the cause of MPD is repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse.

last night, i met a Distanced friend, after... lets say..... (its been days) an year ... i think more than that... anyway he used to be a great person in the early beginning of our friendship.. we started seeing each other ... NO, we used to see each other when we wer in tution class... so lets say meeting each other in the year 2005. he is a polite, quite,weird,.. i dunno how to explain his behavior.. but for sure, he wasnt NORMAL.. that i knew.. but NOT in a SERIOUS way.. well, different human beings are different in their own way isnt it? anyway, we became best buddies.. maybe because he always stayed besides me on every difficulty i faced.( when i had no friends)

now that you've known how much i like him, but here's the weird part... we used to argue a lot on stupid, silly happenings... one minute we wud be having a serious conversation, the next minute we wud be arguing about it.. mostly... we argue because of hanging out with other friends and because of finding about ones personal inner strories and exploring them to others.. these are no silly mistakes we do.. these are the mistakes we deliberately do.. DUE to the anger at a particular time.. ofcourse i've never created such stupidity but he...
so, apparently, this has started becoming a burden... and i didnt wanted to carry his stupidity anymore.. i know he had a hard time in his early childhood.. maybe thats why.. i stayed as a friend whenhe kept on talking about me AT TIMES.. the main problem for me was, HE was a CLOSE buddy of one of my Ex boy friends.. and he had contact with him at all times when we were hanging out which i never figured out.. so what happened in betwen us was.. we would argue argue argue and when we get fed up, we stop contacting each other.. just like that!.. and wud stay for like two months without hearing from each other and then starts seeing each other coincidentally..though its weird...

its more like taking a break... when he gets kicked off from somewhere else, again he would remember me.. i am not becoming proud.. but honestly this is wat happenes.. every time when i break up the ship, i wud start getting long texts from him.. via e mail or sms.. or some how.. still i know, we never had the feeling of falling in love or something like that.. it was more like... i am his crying shoulder and he is mine.. so, me who cant deny when people apologizes, forgives easily with advisable mails... and then again we wud be friends.. and again the same thing wud happen..

this has been repeating since 2005.. for the last time he aid sorry in the year 2008, but i never replied him.. because i knew he wasnt profusley regreting what he did... so i never showed up..
but unfortunately, i again met him and we are now friends.. we had lot to share... our conversation lasted more than 3 hours..
at the begingin of our conver we spoke about the feelings we had for each other,, the respect and all.. but then,, later, i couldnt bare to listen to wat he spoke.. i almost cried when i found out a HUGE truth about his self..

THEN I STARTED REALIZING HOW I WAS TREATING HIM..
THEN I STARTED UNDERSTANDING HIS WERIDNESS...
then i started regreting... it was me who everytime wanted to let go...
it was me who wanted to forget the SHIP..
it was me who never really UNDERSTOOD him but KNEW every bit of him...
he continuously wanted me to stay... but i never gave a shit...

with in this one year,, he suffered a lot,, and the person he always admired to stay..... never gave a shit to find out if he was living... (which is apparently me)

i dunno why i am even writing this... but i really feel sorry for his desease.. can u imagine?? he has been suffering MPD since last year.. DUE to a BIG reason which i cant say here...
when was explainin me how things workedout, i was making jokes over them.. i even said at his face that you must be having MPD.. (was making a joke)... but when he told me wat really happneed.. i freaked out...

dhivehi version of "kasam ki kasam" (Ajnabee movie)

2009-07-21T04:07:00.000-07:00

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...
hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

lobi va ey bunan hey
haalu mihithuge engey hey?
kekkuraanan mi hih dhen nimi dhanee ye balaashey..

heyonuvaaney nudhaashey, thiya gothah fasnudheyshey
rola rola hureemey lobi va ey nudhaashey

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...
hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

lobi va enburi aadhey, heyo hithun maafu dheynan
hama yageen lobi dheynan kuriyekey effadhainney
veekameh venimidhiya e, aafeshumakun fashaashey...
maruvedhaaney yageeney lobi va ya nulaa dhen..

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...
hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

ey hitha, aan hithaa, kiya bala, lobiva, dhen nudhey.. an amey, hinmagey hifa nudhey nudhey..hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...

lol, this is so stupid of me.. but i got bored and all of a sudden this thingi came in to my mind,, so wrote..
PS: this is to NO one,, i prefer sad songs..like this.. so just came out..

i missed ya

2009-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

its 15th july 2009...
right here,,, just now...
man!, i love you so much...

to the most precious friend i've ever had...

2009-07-10T22:07:00.000-07:00

dearest distanced closest, bestest, coolest, cutest FRIEND..

Hi there, how have you been doing? hope ok, and yeah i'm doing great and felt never good before.. well, atleast now i know that... :) so hey, Its been long time we havent spoken like this... and i know it sounds weird i'm writing you this when i see you now.. but what to do, we've become so distanced right?

anyway, dear, have you been wanting to be so strange with me after being such a nicest friend? were you expecting to be so distanced? sigh! :( i have tons of complains... i know, i used to be the one who kept advising you on being strong and being ownself... but now, i think i cant keep it anymore, when it became a thing about you, things are diferent! i'm hurt, i donno why, but i am! i know i know, you didnt do anything but i donno, i hav the feeling of LEFT OUT thingi u know, it gives me the feeling to cry...
life was so great when i met you... you turned out to be my crying shoulder, the greatest fan of my life.... you used to be there when ever i faced a difficulty, you would never wanna see me in stressed mood.. you would never let me feel bad on anything... you would want me to stay besides you to listen to you, and expects me to come up with good ideas,,, we would have tons of chatting.. wow, can u think of how hilarious we used to be?
did you know, if i havent met you i wouldnt have been able to stop my self doing the damn shitty thing i was doing... and i am so greatful for you.. i really wanna thank you for being the greatest person in my life.. but i guess our time came up.. the world is a cruel thing, now i believe it... it would just show us elutions and leave us in to the dessert of reality and never let us face the truth! unless we realise it on our own...
i had this fear long long before... but was trying to make it up.. was trying to take a pace... was trying to let the fate decide whats gonna happen next.. guess its already seen now.. you used to tell me, how kewl we used to be.. i wonder what happened now,,, we used to share everysingle thing we had in our minds.. why cant we do it now?

maybe i am the one to be blamed... maybe i am expecting too much from the CLOSEST ones.. i've had friends in my life,, some so nice and the others so weird... amongst them, you were the bestest of all... and u knew it very well.. but why do i feel that i m so SO SOO LEFTOUT... u seems like you don wanna share a thing with me.. i feel like you're done with me... i feel hasitant to have a conversation with you... but WHY? this souldnt be happening dear! we used to shout out anything at our faces!! we were so kewl with that...

i wish i cud talk this at your face... but i just wouldnt do that.. cause you the only one who took care of my biggest problem in this WORLD... in my LIFE... and i really am thankful to u for that... but still, its just so unfair for u being so distanced... i wish i cud ever understand what happened, or whats going on...

i am so sorry i had to reach you this way, cause i cant keep it all inside my heart... it hurts.. and the feeling, i don wanna show u or anyone else.. do u know?? people are making up stories about our friendship.. it hurts a lot! i dunn wanna hear them say we look so DISTANCED.
wish i cud get an answer to my feelings..
yours truely friend
pempi

Male' the right destination for the living????

2009-06-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

what could you possibly talk about being trapped in Male'?? hmph!!
damn!! its so hard to live here now.. the popualtion increased, the pollution increased, income decreased and expenses increased, the cost of stuffs increased, and the need to want it increased... now, that is a lot of increase and a decrease.. yeah!
i was just wondering about the PLACE..., living in a place like this is a HARD thing! trust me! you need to OWN a place from here... otherwise, just forget it!! I mean, how on earth is EASY for anyone to RENT tiny squares and rectangles for like thousands and thousandsRF?? but i must say, though it isnt easy, people are dying to live here... man!!
thats why i say, the islands need to be developed, it is just so UNFAIR Male' having all the NESSESARY facilities available......
i just wish i had a house with a beautiful garden surrounded.... aaaahhh...
but i bet, it wont ever happen... NOT in Male' for sure... cause u hardly find a tree in any of the areas in Male' .. oh and by the way.. even i am renting a place for *000...

just few words... This tiny island need to be protected,, otherwise.. GOD knows whats next going to happen here... its getting OVERLOADED!!

PS: this is for the islanders like me.. :)

2009-05-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

ok here is the story of no updates,,,

my apple desktop has been sent to Male' to windows alhan.. so apprently i coudnt get in to internet in the times i wanted to.
the school computers work like turtles,
and i've been busy as ever..

now lets talk about my birthday..
well, its gone and know what??
i had a boring birthday... :( misssed all my friends)
but but but.. eventually my husband made my day :D
he gifted me a laptop surprisingly.. :D
(sho shweet of him)
but u know, it was a white trick he did.. teehee...
took off the desktop before hand and bought me the lap for my birthday..
(well, not bad i suppose hehe)
neway.. boring things happned such as deduction of OVER TIME for teachers and canceling some items which are planned for the month etc..

u know, i m moody and don feel like doing any work,,
i mean, its like i don have any tasks to do.. its more like 'lets do it' rather than 'i have to do it'..
you know, there is no target or a mission for the work.. i havent had such boringNESS in my life than this... AT WORK,,

i always love to work hard, preparing teaching aids, discussions, building creative activities for the students and you know,, being active,,, i just cant stay in one place.. i wouldnt just stay.. maybe thats why i am so clumsy.. teehee.. but hey! this USED to happen.. not now :(
i wanna be like that, but i cant.. here, its totally different.. the environment is different, the people are different.. i am more quiet than i used to be.. i don wanna get addicted to this :(

i am just sad and feeling hopeless here,.. what do you think i should do? go back to Male'? or stay? well, i am planning to go.. then again i might go for a second thought... dunno..

busy.. busy.. busy..

2009-03-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

shit!
mom just gave a lecture!

i've been busy at school.. don get a time to eat.

working in the morning session,

marking after the session,

again at 5 swimming practice..

after swimming practice, theory class at 8 pm..

finishes at 10 30 pm...

before going home, something would come up.. duh!!

life is really busy... :p

and u know, our swimming instructor was teasing me tonight in the theoryclass,, cause i cudnt wake up for the practical which was today early morning.. hmph! :/

oh and by the way... today one of my very close friend got a baby girl.. she is sooo cute.. dhon dhon... ^.^

ok me going to do the lesson plan... aarrgghh!!! principal wants to see the scheme of works on tomorrow... and i haven't yet finish typing it.. *gulp*
ok ok bye bye.. good night..

gods powerfulness

2009-03-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

READ IT ON YOUR RISK!!

surely all praise for allah.. we praise and seek his help, we seek forgiveness, refuge from the evil of our own souls and from the wickedness of our deeds. there is nothing but allah, Muhammed is our messanger who we follow.

i'm not trying to show u that i am a very dheenveri person. But lately i've been listen to some dharus of one of our friends. He is younger than me, married and hopefully going to be a father in this year. He works with me in the same school and i've noticed a very strangeness in him. When ever i see him, goosembums arises from my whole body. He is so clean and normal. quite, friendly and RELIGIOUSE..!! though he believes in the deeper world of religion unlike us, he talks to us and works hard like all.
however, one day (on the day we went to Handhufushi) on the dhoni, i heard him talking about our messenger and reciting some hadhith's with the meanings to one of my very close friend. she was listening to him so intentively that i couldnt stay without going to them. So, there i set beside her and then i fell in to his 'dharus'.. and was listening to it till we reach the island. later that night, when i was on bed.. i thought of all what he spoken to us.. every word he said was running in my mind.. i had this fear in my mind thinking that, how intolerable are we human beings to god.. but still he is tolerating us till the judgment day.. god heaven! i coudlnt sleep the whole night thinking of the bad things i've done throughout my life.. (ofcourse as human beings we do make mistakes against religion)

later the other day we (my friend and i ) met him and asked him if he could spare a little time from his shedule for us.. he happily agreed and fixed a time. he fixed to meet us after the day and so we were there to meet him at school. after a long day of work, he agreed to meet us just for the sake of allah, to help us know more about the religion we are following. We are named as MUSLIMS but actually NOT! i personaly believe it now.. i used to bully people who have long beards and wear short trouses... NOW i regret it! (yeah! there are people who act as MUSLIMS BEING so but all arnt same) well, after meeting this guy, i've changed my mind.. i've started understanding that what we know abt the religion is just a 20% of 100%.. we neeed to more.. and thats why our eemantherikan is so down!
we believes that we know a lot, but actually we dont know.. we dont know HOW painful is our graves, we dont know what REALLY happens after the death, we dont know what REAL EXAMS we fail after the death, we dont know what strange things we face after the death.. we SIMPLY DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING IN the other world!! and if u say you know and you dont pray, then YOU ACTUALLY DON UNDERSTAND WHAT RELIDION IS!

however, these are just the facts that i've learned from him.. now i cant tell u what he explained us right.. just please, beware that you are a human being and god is guiding you over and over again. i can tell u a story he told us.. which happened in Saudhi;
there was a family who had all boys and only a girl. she was the youngest. ond enough studying in a college. her brothers go for the prayers, her family is a religious family, but she doesnt pray at all. she loves going out, hanging around.. never covers her body etc etc..
after days... in her young age she died and when it was time for the funeral, her elder brother brought a man for kiyeveli kiyava, sandhokah elhumuge kanthah kuran. Her brother shoed him the room where she was kept. He showed him the room and when he enterd, he locked the door from out side. the dhannabeykalu walked towards this girls gaburu, she was wrapped with white coffin and the whole body was covered with a white cloth. the man stood beside her and lifted up the sheet to see her face. As he saw her face,he started trembling and to his surprise eynayah e fothigandun kuliyakah dhookohllevunee.. gai birun, dhaahillamun dhuvvaigathi dhora dhimaalah.. dhoru hulhuvaashey bune bune dhoreh nuhulhu vi, mi meeha ge hithelhey adu mulhi kotari thereyga.. mulhi meehaa birugenfa hurivarun angayah aihaa echceh kiyan gos inee kotareege kanakah vadhe. fahun gaburu kairiyah nuves dhey,, hama innanee, innanee.. dhen mihen indhe indhefa.. meeha hamayakah elhuneema thedhuvegen yaseen matheega huregen gossi allah aa vakeel kohffa e kujjaa kairiyah.. dhen gossa avaha kiyeveli kiyavaa, kuranjehey kameh kohffa nimigen gos i have finished my work ey,, dhiru hulhuvaashey buneema dhoru hulhuvee.. as the door opened, he rushed from the place. RAn, ran and straight away went to his house. took a fresh bath prayed to god and layed on his bed. he stayed in bed till three days. cause of high fever.

as soon as he got well, he wanted to study what happened to this girl and how she died. SO, this man went to meet her family and asked about her. then, her bother told him that she wasnt at all religious and he also appologise for locking him up in the room. He said that he had to do that because no one was willing to do the formalities after looking at her. her brother has invoted 6 people to do the formalities and non stayed to do so. everyone screams and run away after looking at her. and this man was the 7th one. so he just wouldnt be able to get another person to do all the formalities and thats why he did it.

THE GIRLS FACE WAS TWISSETED AND THAT SHE WAS ALL BURNT UP. SHE HADNT HAD HER NORMAL SKIN WHICH WAS WHITE. SHE WAS SKINNY AND LOOKED AS IF SHE WAS TORN OUT. SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE AND ANIMAL. THE SCARY THING WAS THAT, HER WHOLE FACE WAS TWISTED. but it was said that, she didnt die due to any accidents or anything. it was a sudden death and that nothing strange happened for her to die like this.. its just gods will. allah nubaivegen alhunna maru dhakkavaanee veyneffadhain.

i've seen my this religious friends fathers foto (on the day of his funeral) he had a smile in his face,, he looked as if he is dying peacefuly,, a e varah mai insaaneh.. ehen v ma solihu alhunna mai allah suvaruge dhakkaane kamaki kashavaru kamehkkan yageen. emeehun ge maraki ves rakkautheri echceh kan hama yageen..

my friend(girl) and i were so hairaanvefa eyna kiyaidhin vaahakathakun.. we asked questions on what we wanted to know.. and he was a helpful person i say.. he advised us about certain things.. and insha allah we are trying to follow the real religion.

just thought to share you guys.. tc good night..

rainy day (my own rhyme)

2009-03-06T04:28:00.000-08:00

hi guys, i am here with a nice song for the kids... well this is my first OWN song.. i created this by my self.. so give an ear.. :)

Rain drops, Rain drops falling down,

its so rainy pouring now,

thunder thunder i can hear,

its a noisy sound so loud...

what was i doing in the last week....

2009-03-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

hi guys..
how how....

hey i've got exciting news.. did u know?? on 25th some teachers and i were awake at school making the stage for the quran competition.. it was a hard work.. i'll drop in a photo of the back stage...we were able to finish this on the other day... :/

after that....

our school had a trip to HE'RE TH'ERE (Handhufushi island resort) with the grade three students on 28th..... wow!! the place was so amazing.. we had a lot of fun there... sang songs, showed the kids some presentations, did a leaf let from each group. (there were 17 groups, each group had 5 or 6 students) more over had a swim in a pool.. the kids were having a blast!!
i must say.. the staff there were very generouse and helpful.. the kids got a chance to interview few tourists after the presentation regarding TOURISM.. they asked sillly questions though.. hehe.. neway thats the story of saturday..

let me tell u abt today.. ok!! emme ufaa v miadhu visa card hedhuneema yoo.. heheh.. finaly i have it.. and i am glad that i was able to save the last months salary in my account... neway.. i paid my internet bill, gave a little treat to the closer ones, went out with motherinlow to shop.. bought a shoe and a slipper.. :D hoohhoohhh... new slippers ooo.. hehe..
errr.. now i feel sleepy.. guess thats all for today and tomorrow.. hehe aslu mirey i am in a GOOD MOOD.. good night..

here are the shoe and slipper.. (varah reethi echcheh nufeney mi rashun :( )

schoooooooooll and children..

2009-02-24T08:47:00.000-08:00

(this is the craft work of my parents and i in the PST DAY and we got first!) :)

hi guys.. long time no updates huh...

i've been really busy these days.. plus NO INTERNET at home..

i couldnt pay the bill. My cash card is expired and my account cheque book is over.. i've applied for a visa debit card last month and yet havent got it.. so still waiting for a call from Bank.

Its really difficult without having cash with me.. but managing... :/ hmmm, wat else happened....

oh yeah.. i've been doing great work at school and i'm pretty happy abt the job..

i must say, its very much same abt Male' Schools and island schools.. the only difference is the building.. other than that everythings perfect.. infact i love this place, specially the huge PE ground where i can take PE for students. Also i sometimes Play there with the teachers there.. its fun u know... :)

but still.. it wont ever be the same right??.... :( i can never be happy here as i keep remembering the moments spent in Male'.. i some times daydream places of Male'.. One day i dialed a taxi center to get a cab and guess where was i calling to??? hehe yeah! to a Male' taxi center.. as soon as i realised it...hung up the phone without saying a word... aaww.. i just wish i loose my memory and never rememberes Male'...

hmmm.. what else.. oh yeah! now adays i've been learning few new songs which i am singing for my students.. and they seem to love them... i used to sing with them after interval and thats with actions.. i lorrrve to see them act so funny... u know.. the interesting thing is.. after the session they would try to recall the lyrics of the songs and if they cant.. simply would come and wihtout hesitation, would ask me... and i feel proud of my self to know that my kids are so close to me... today i told them that i have the keys of there mouth zipper.. and that after zipping their mouths they should handover me the keys every starting of my subject periods.. and to my surprise it worked.. i was glad to see them stay the whole period without uttering a single word... well yeah.. they were talking.. but using their hands.. tehee.. and its pretty enjoying.. i let them sing on their own when they do their PA works as well...

guess i've written a lot... oh one more thing.. you kknow.. lately i've been decorating my classroom like a garden cause the theme we teachers have choosen for this month and the coming month is garden.. i'll put up a photo once i take a snap.. so i'll rush from here and see ya laters... missed you guys a lot.. still at school... ta ta..

Ya RaBbAa....

2009-01-29T06:56:00.000-08:00

oh my lord,

is this the punishment or the reward for love?
tell me my heart?
why isn't the series of hurt never vanish
why does it has so much to examine?
how dreadfully are the stories of love been written,
it never know...

no matter how much sacrifices it attends,
the person my heart targets' never cares.

how can the destination of the loyalty be shaped,
cause there is no easing of the problems in my heart.

heart beats are been stunned,
breathing has become difficult..
my lips always mention you and thinks of the memorable moments.
aaww someones life is ruined of wanting someone so badly...

no body listens to the deep crying sighs of my heart...
no ones there to hold my trembling body, to give me a hug..
half fulfilled are my wishes,
broken are all my dreams..
discouraged are my thoughts in suspect, has a wall of hate built up?
even in victory there is the feeling of loss..

"never to ask the ones who experience the pain of love
that, how is smiling and how is happiness..
cause there is always a fear of danger, over their heads.. at all times...
sometimes here, sometimes there""

PS: its the meaning of the song 'Ya Rabba' and its really meaningful..

THE lifes about......

2009-01-26T02:09:00.000-08:00

what is life??? eh?

well... different people consider life differently as they face different scenarios in times.. what i am trying to say is, life it self cannot be destroyed or perfected unless you do it. people destroy their lives (even though its me) just for the sake of hope, and love. i wonder how many of you all think of what you have done in your past when you realize how wrong your decisions were for the future.... LOVE isnt everything in life,, happiness is more important than love i suppose.. o.O

most of the girls fall in love after seeing the honesty, loyalty, and the caring that they never expect... but what happens when they start the relation??? things begin to change.. and unknowingly the betrayals get involved... wait a sec.. abt the betrayals.. well there has to be a HUGE reason to occur the betrayals isn't it?? of course without a reason nothing would happen and i personally believe it... betrayals WILL BE there, IF THE RELATION SHIP IS NOT THAT STRONG...cause we are human beings and there are certain things we human beings cant controll in our lives.. anyway.... wat ever it is....

one thing which i am sure and you all will agree on is that, a married life, or a boy girl relationship cannot be perfect if its one sided... nomatter howmuch you try, you can not make it.. cause its ONLY you who is trying and not him or her.. however people believe that its better to pretend normal when nothing is infect normal.. people tend to serach happiness in llives where they know that they can never reach to it.. hence life leads to a failier and you never know your life is been ruined.. time can never heal it.. unless you find a better way to seak happiness rather than just staying and pretending that your OK...

well.. some peoples life is all about THE MISTAKE once they did.. where you had a choice of re-correcting it and not attending it... which you have no choice of undoing it in future... however, once the decision is been done.. you tend to think this.."what the fuck have i done!! this is not worth living!!!" and you got no other option than staying in your life due to cerctain circumstances or for the sake of your so called love and time you gathered to build this life....and so u cry watching others beautiful lives.. and thinking when would u have the chance to have a happy life... (and thats why i say life sucks!!)

PS: this is just a random thought about life.. its nothing to do with MY LIFE.. :)

intolerable life!

2009-01-25T01:10:00.000-08:00

just another night with tears and fear all around me,
its just another heart breaking night which reminds me of the betrayals.
what a pity, i never realized how strong you were..
too cleaver, too smart...
no worries, no pain you showed..
happily accepted future with me...

BUT

was it a show off ? or a plan??
you arnt like before..
you would tell me you love me,
but u r scared to take a risk in life..
cause you know that i dont love you...
u say u love me but u never stay with me..
i don wanna believe you,
neither wanna love you...
you know that very well..
you never deserves me,
and i never deserves you..

we can never have a same to same attraction,
cause naturally we are different..
i am water and you are the fire
if i love blue berries, then you'd love black berries.
if i love enjoyment, then you'd love seriousness,
i love to have friends but you hate them,
i love sharing and you love hiding,
i love talking but u dont..

i say, we can never be together but you say we can..
why? where is the answer for that??
i hate you for tolerating me
i hate you for ruining my life,
i hate you for accepting me...
i wanna hide my self from you..
i wanna live a better life...

i wish i had never gone to you...
but i cant leave you either...
cause i know, there is no human being so unique like you..
you are loyal and understanding,,
you never took me granted when all did..
you were there for me when ever i needed someone...
you loved me as if it was a must for you...

but its so pathetic to be with u when i totally cant love you...
just let me go...
this is killing me all inside..

why? why?? why? WHY? aaarrgg!!!

2009-01-16T03:16:00.000-08:00

why did mom buy me WHATEVER i wanted, when i was a kid?

why did mom stop buying me WHAT EVER i wanted, when i grew older?

why did mom forbid me for WHAT EVER i wanned to do?

why was i forced to do certain things which i never liked?

why did i make friends with whom they never cared me?

why was i so scared to let my parents know whts with me??

why did i try to hide when i had my first bf?

why did everything turned out unexpectedly scary?

why was i so stubborn when i never understood a thing?

why was i so different from others in my family?

why couldnt i trust my friends?

why do i pretend happy when i am not?

why cant i have a life of my own?

why cant i make others happy?

why do i feel guilty everytime??

why do i have a huge PAST??

why do i accept anything which i get instead of having what i want?

why did myself believe that its love when i know that it isnt??

why couldnt i have another chance to undo my mistakes..?

why cant i have faith in me?

why do i dream when i know that my dreams can never be completed?

why am i so quiet when i am actually not!!??

why did i decide to stay here??damn!!

why do i THINK so much abt life??

why am i WAITING for??

when am i gonna get answers for all these questions??

and WHY am i even writing this??

somebody pls please, do something! :(
*sigh

misssing you my dear!

2009-01-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

oh my dear,
missing you here,
so badly yeah!!

i'm having this fear,
that i might loose you there,
even my eyes cant bare this tear,
which is waiting to see you near..
oh pls, come back soon in this year...

missing you loads my darling piya! ;P

^_^

picture by me

BORING!!! =T

2009-01-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

BORING...
BORING...
BORING...
BORING...
SCHOOL OPENED!!! HMPH!!

by d way.. how is the pic? o.<>

HaPpY nEw YeAr???? or SaD nEw YeAr?

2008-12-31T12:16:00.000-08:00

Its been almost time to say good by to 2008 and say welcome to 2009, but i couldn't figure out how to welcome 'IT'. Pretending happy and bow-ing it??, just to show that i am ok when i am totally not?? o.O... well yeah! i am not happy in this happy new year... I've been recieving a lot of sweet smses from my belovers which doesnt really make me happy after reading them.. i don feel like texting anyone like i used to do.. so i am texting them saying 'same to you too' with a smiley face though i am not.....i mean, whats the point of me getting happy when i know i am not! i know that all are out there having fun, enjoying,dancing, exchanging gifts so n so.. but what am i doing here? sitting and expressing whats in my heart?? damn these stupid weirdness which is killing me!!! damn! i am staying away from my friends, damn, i am so lonely here.. :(
This is the worst so called HAPPY NEW YEAR for me in my whole life!

i think, once i told some one that 2007 was the best year of all.. cause my friends n i used to hav a lot of fun in DJs and at there places.. those days were the best days of all.. and yeah ofcourse 2008 became better than "best" as i've spent the maximum time with my friends hanging out and going out for dhathuru and all..

well lets see what i've had in 2008;

used to stay awake late at night with friends roaming around.. here and there

went for three days over night to an island with friends

spent an overnight in a studio with friends.. it was fun..

had sleep overs at friends places...

got so attached to a friends family..
and so an soo.. (the family was soo kewl.. they loved me a lot)

every one used to come over my place like EVERY DAY to have fun...

learned to play guitar.. dheevaana vey moosum ge raagu ekani.... o.O (thanks to SP) ^_^

went to Malay with my bestest pals.. a e va dhathureh!! :D

*sigh......just wish i cud go back and start over.. but naah... nothings gonna be the same ever.. neway...
those people who r happy out there!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

photography...

2008-12-29T05:49:00.000-08:00

i just cant stop taking snap shots from my camera and my phone these days... photography is something i've always loved.. i thought having a simple camera would do everything i want.. but when i hav a one.. now i keep wanting a BETTER one.. from the current camera which i have (W170) Cant capture objects using macro.. and macro is superkewl.. i wanna get a better one! a BETTER ONE!! :(

but hey... my phone makes me happy as i capture much greater pictures in different styles.. so hav a look on what i've been up to recently..

this is taken from my phone (nokia7610)

this is from my mobile too.. its my diary...

this is from my camera... it isnt that kewl..

Strange phrases and words..

2008-12-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

whats the word u split out when somebody pinches you or when u get a surprise or when some one scares u oorr when u see something scary??
is it the same word that you use in such situations?? i bet NO!!??

well, i've found out that lot of people uses different strange words in different situations and its kinda funny when i hear them..i mean like.. kama nugulhey bas bas kiyaa meehun ves ulhey... it could be anything which doesnt really have a meaning to what situation u use it though.. oh yeah.. i know, its not unusual that everyone has a habbit of splitting out words when u tremble.. but what i am saying is... why do u have to remember your mom or your moms parts oorr poops that u waste in such situations WHEN u actually hav to remember god or like something good...

anyway I bet most of you uses the word SHIT in your daily life.. (ye, including me o.O) we use it in times and its like kasheega hifaafa ey bunaa hen, 'angaiga harulaafa' hunna baheh..

tell u, i have this friend who always uses CANCLE in times and mostly when he finds out that something wrong goes around among us.. and he says like " CANCLE!! thihiree mulhin CANCLE board ah laan jehifa" dhen nuheyn huttas heveyne ehen buneema,

and the other phrase he uses is "ALLAH AKBAR FAUZIYYA, ALHAMDHULILLAAHI FAUZIYYA" duuhh.. dont u find it funny?? he uses it (aslu we) mostly when he sees something funny happening around..

the other most cute word he uses is.. 'Amaabandu' nukiyan vegen "amaa... naai" and the interesting thing is the way he says it.. he wud say "Amaa" and waits for few secounds and then says "naai".. and thats when somebody hits him dam hard.. hehe

ooh one more, he always says JOOOOOS for what ever we say... like for example i ask him something and then instead of answering me he would say JOOHEY??? u know like "ain?? :S" hehe..

well there are so many phrases i've learned from this friend ad its humorousely funny and adorable.. you'd simply love to hear his funny talks...
just missed the phrases and so thought to share this with u guys..
(picture by divaint art)

(miss u Hassan)

feeling lonely...

2008-12-25T14:01:00.001-08:00

its so late and am still awake...on my bed...
it hurts when memories keep flashing all over me,
loneliness in the darkness has become a burden,
i cudnt unzip my lips and wipe my tears, which became my friend instantly..
silence started visiting me recently, cause there is always emptiness which desperately waits for it...
where ever i go...quietness walks with me like a shadow, as i happily take them with me..
and now, i think i've started forgetting a lot..
somebody told me a joke today and i totally didnt know what to do when everyone else were laughing..
then i remembered..
my best friend 'smile' left me days ago and it never came back..
i cant forget the goodbyes it waved me the day it left me...
i am so lonely in this hollowly room..
i need my friends back..
i feel weak and lost in here
and its hard to understand i've never been felt this way ever..

oh dam these tears.. i don want them, but it keeps coming..
for god sake.. these feelings... i want them to runaway..
but it wont just go...
not until my "NEWLY" friends are here... (if u know what i mean)
(picture by divaint art)

life's so empty when u realize u left your life out there and starts a new one for the better or worst

Happy Birth Day dear

2008-11-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

Months passed away, days flew away, time ran away...
through this you and me, did always stay...
How lovely were we, No problems and only fun,
You made me happy since the beginning...
unlike others you kept a good connection with delegate freedom...
and that's why you became so special, so close to my heart...
i love the way we used to share some from mine and some from yours..

remember the times we used to 'get' things so promptly?
those eye moves you made, made me smile... ^_^
the moves you made.. unknowingly or knowingly..
i understood like a book i read..

One thing which i couldnt comprehend through out was..
the uniqueness in you which i've never seen from anyone else..
how cool and sweet are you... *just no words to explain that
you've been always there for me,
when ever i need... i just don know how to thank you so..
i feel proud and glad to stay beside you
as you make me feel different and special..
and it feel realy good to know that you make me REALIZe that i am SPECIAL in you...

and how can i forget such a friend's birthday..
dear, i am fortunate to have a friend like you..

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear s phataas, happybirthay tooooo uuuuuuuuu..
ha..thah thah thah thuh..
HAPPi BIRTH DAY..
^_^

WhAt a FeElInG...... :(

2008-11-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

dam.. what pain is this..

an unknown feeling
which keeps telling me to stop what your doing...
what is this thing which is killing me,, deep inside from my soul..
how can i defete this?
i want to end it up, but i want to keep it as well..
what am i supposed to do?
everyone has gathered me..
am i going to confess my final goodbyes??
everyones expecting a lot more than i thought..
but me,, why cant i listen to them??
i can see them stopping me, i can see them talking...
but i cant hear them..
what is it all wants from me??
life of enjoyment?? fun?
a temporary life with fun and laughter??
am i bound to be in this life?
am i allowed to settle in this life??
NO!! i am not!
i am not allowed to hear your words!!
shhhhhhhh!! just go away!!
let me live., and live on..
without me,,
enjoy...
but remember!!
i've been there!, i'll always be...
in your minds, in your thoughts..
forever and ever..
i am gonna miss you all
:'(
(i feel like crying...)

(picture by divaint art)

GooD bYeS ArE FoReVeR FoR SoMe PeOpLe... :(

2008-11-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

i know, love was when i loved u..

one true time i hold u..

i cud go on.. talking a lot abt LOVE..

but wud it ever make a difference?

i guess they were seasons out of time...

the moments we shared were beautiful and pure,

i know, we want to make them come true..

but yet we havent had a clue HOW to start...

i'm belong to someone else,

same as you..

we tried so many ways..

but non of it made a difference..

i still remember your words darl c...

they werent true before... but they used to be once,,

i can feel it, and i believe it NOW...

same time

i know, we hav no choice.. not a single way to start our life..

i know, you were hopeless before..

NOW, i am hopeless... more than ever...

i loved you... honestly and purely..

but can our dreams ever come true?

i dont think so darl... :(

i'm gonna miss you...

good buys arent forever.. thats what people say..

but i guess its our GOOD BYE darl...

keep living, take good care...

tHe UnFoRgEtTAbLe MoMeNt Of lYf... (2002)

2008-11-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

it was a monday afternoon, i was walking down the street all alone. the whole environment seems so crowded with people and vehicles. the rain drops which were falling kept me cold and wet.. the fog around seems so huge as i hardly recognized people's faces... some were struggling with their umbrellas and the others were busy running here and there finding shelter to get rid of rain.. the whole scene reminded me of a film that nearly happened the same..

anyhow, i wasn't carrying an umbrella or was wearing a coat or something to coverup my self from rain as i loved rain deliberately... so apparently yes, i was all wet.. thank god the file that i was carrying was a transparent buttoned file.. so had no fear tht it wud get wet..

well, actually i had no choice other than getting wet in the rain as i cant stop and wait.. if i had, i wud have got late to class... and on the other hand it was hard to find a cab in a busy street like this.. so i did i thought best for me... anyway here comes the interesting part...

i wasnt in a hurry though, so was slightly walking slowly and the sudden appearance of someone infront of me scared me to death... i shook my head and blinked my eyes in surprise.. looked at what he did to me.. was this some one didnt know the road rules?? i guess yes!! anyway... ... "yuk" was the only word i uttered as my dress got wet with dusty mud from the pavement... got a bit frustrated but kept my anger and gave him another glance.. AND then, "WOW" was the other word which... didnt utter but had in mind and heart... lol.. i looked at him thinking of saying something but all my words melted in astonishment and again froze in surprise with butterflies flying over my head.. duhh... 'what a guy, what a style, what a look... ' I THOUGHT! heheh

TO BE CONTINUED..... :P

SwEeT MoMeNtS.... ^_^

2008-11-07T21:37:00.000-08:00

i am at a loss of words...

when ever i see u my feet go cold and shivery..

the way u talk, the way u live...

all make me think of u a thousand times ahead..

emptiness arose me with temptation towards u..

hidden feelings explore inside me.. and all i see is u..

i try to control what touches me,

it makes me feel dizzy and unconsious..

i wanna know it, i wanna fight with it to let it go..

but i cant defeate it as i see u with deligency and purity,

u standing right infront of me...

oh what pain, i made history with u

which will never creat a future for me..

those hearttrending moments,

the lovable kisses,

those dramatic moves which were out of my will..

up and down, to and fro..

u made me feel like living in heaven...

i cud hardly breathe when i lay u next to me,,

your wrists around me,

holding so tightly made me chock out and look at u..

aawww those eyes.. what crystals u've got..

what innocency u have..

how beautiful were they..

i know... and who else wud know....

wish to see another day spending so..

wish to smell the aroma which no one cud smell..

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

wish i cud see u onceagain just for another hearttrending moment of us..

MiSsInG U LiKe CrAzY...

2008-11-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

met you in a crowded place, with so many people around..
saw u alone, staring at me....
took off my eyes from u, as a sudden fear rose up in my spines...
headed to my work... having no intention towards you..
life was a mystery i thought,
as no one knows whats inside us..
but when things go bad to worst...
people cant control...
maybe thats what i faced..

i was so silent and quiet..
thinking of a work to be done...
the sudden appearance of you scared me to death...
asking me for a contribution of myself to a get together..
how sweet of u to ask..
but NO, was the answer i gave..
i can still remember the look on your face on that very day..
i wasnt trying to be rude, but it turned out that way..
u r intention changed so weirdly..
i knew...

after days, again i met you... in a printing area..
that was long after the day we first met...
i can still remember, how u tried to help me on an opening ceremony of some A4 sheets..
u r help made me reach you in no time via your add...
that was the real beginning, i guess...

chatting with u was fun and adorable,
talking to u so openly made me feel u so close and special..
u asked me to make a promise,
i happily agreed...
u asked me if i cud care you...
i said yes, if we are that close...
and so....
'friends forever'.. you defined me with a great explanation ..
neither by words, nor by expressions..
but by knowing each other..
i know it wasnt love that we were exchanging
each day...
but it was something more stronger than i thought...
u became my crying shoulder, the greatest fan of my life...
within just 3 months..
and now your far away from me...
and here me,, thnking of you....
your words and the moves you made with me...
i simply love the way you treated me...
wish we cud meet forever and never be apart..
miss u like crazy dear...

Another start

2008-09-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

after so many days of work i deleted you,

just wanna say i am so sorry...

i couldn't stop thinking the moments i used to share with you,

the beautiful songs,

the lovable talks and most importantly

you listening to me with no fear...

i am totally a dumb ass...

yes.. but not anymore..

i wont delete you here after.. i promise..

just keep in touch and we'll share more than we used to..

just you and me..

together...

its always better when we're together..

no more gals, guys..

missed you so much my bloggiee..

and welcome back to me... thanks so much..