RUMINATION...

its hard to understand that you always want something and get something else. its like having a phobia about your own life. The intensity of being too much left alone and getting over...

well, people say it's never too late to make a decision for your own good. but the question is, how to deal with it and the right time to process it.

The thing is, life is too short and unpredictable to be aware of what might happen then and there.. It's like i have to always have a back up plan of what might come up. You know, nothing can be trusted. every thing is so unexpectedness.But i guess its time for me to show up my strength and move forward. Giving up is not what it is. hoping and dreaming is lasting way ahead of me. every thing is going so far away from me. i got to stop thinking it over and over again. but what else could i be doing? considering the consideration might get a help if i'd put up them in ink... i needed to do this. i dont have anyone to talk with.. well, no body is worth listening to my craps as i am not in a condition to gain sombodys sympathy in my life. And that makes me feel miserable. so, its always better to be alone and just rant out every word i want in here.. in tat case, no body can hear me or see me burning and dying from inside.. i know, it CUD have been better if i try sharing this with someone... well atleast someone... but you know, i just hear them say, "every things gonna be okay" when i totally know that its not ever gonna be okay.. so why wasting up the energy of mine to something whihc will eventually never make me happy.

i still havent stated what my problem is... see, this is whats wrong in me. i never bring out my problem and keeps on, u know... shouting, blaming, ranting... and watever it is... guess it makes me feel better..

i have always knows.. the ones who are around me, never actually understands whats in me. or what i am capable of. some simply judge me by just u know, looking at me.. and most of them are the ones which i have good impressions on them. it really makes me feel weird and u know ugly of who i am ... i mean, WHY do people just hate me JUST LIKE that! i dont get it.

is it the look? or the style? i dont know.. anyway.. i really cant state my problem.. i got too much to write if so....

i just hope this made me feel better.... actually lets say it did not!

i really wish to get a ride out side, drag in to a dance club... or have a beach party out somwhere where i can be accepted and LOVED...