i'm EXpEcTing!!!!!!!!!!!

ey guys.. long time no see eh?..
lately i've been struggling here and there a lot,, actually within this year.
first at the begingin settled in Addu, apparently, the settling lasted 6 months then for a HUGE reason again came back to Male' settled there..for like 3 months and now with mom and dad for getting PREGNANT.. yeah! you've heard right! i am pregnant and now three months.. had to go cause husbands always away and cant live alone in a situation like this right?? anyway, yet the tummy is still the same and i think no difference is there in my weight..

ok, the reason i couldnt update: no internet at the moment.. but dad is making a room for me now and as soon as the rooms done, internet will be connected. And the reason now i am writing is cause RIGHT NOW, i am back in Male' for a week, to consult the doc... will be leaving pretty soon. things changed and specially the old life,, but no worries hopefully i'll be seeing all my friends shortly.. somehow... :) "always thing positive" eh? <_0
so, see you around guys,,, will be writing..
regards to all..

Tagged!

hi! muwwaz tagged me... err cant remember when.. but i just logged in...(its been days, i know) so lets get started with the thinking... to figure out if i cud remember anything in my early past..

hmmm

1) i used to plait my hair from two sides since nursery till grade 5
2) i used to have a loooooong hair till 2007
3) i used to be a table tennis player (since my first grade till grade7) and was rewarded 3rd place in an inter school tournament when i was in grade 5
4) i remember some of my classes;
1K, 2D, 3..., 4D, 5M, 6B, 7A, 8c3, 9c3, 10c3
5) i scored 97 in maths when i was in grade 7 (it was the last term exams) and i remember Naffa miss giving me a biiig hug..
6) i remember Faizan and zameel bullying me in my primary grades.. because i had had andhun on my eyebrows
7) i remember dad coming late to school to fetch me..
8) i also remeber that dad was the one who always went to school and that mom rarely did...
9) i used to go to KTC since grade 2 till i finish school.
10) i remember my commerce teacher in tuition class favoring me..
11) i remember Azhar sir, our English teacher from Aminiyya..
12) i remember me crying on bed for a looooong time when i was very small.. (cant remember exactly which grade) because of mom letting my lil ssiter go out and keeping me behind..
13) i remember mom and dad buying us Barbies when ever we get an A report.
14) i remember that i cried aloud when i had my first period :p
15) i was once taken to TVM for a children's show, where we had to play lava baazee..
16) i remember the last time i swung on the kudakudhinge bageecha..
17) i remember my dad beating my bro with an eaklebroom till it get tornup..
18) i remember my grown up house in Male' (we moved in to the place when i was in grade 2 and left the house only last year) i miss the place a lot..
19) i remember mom making us food.
20) i remember my brother beaten up by some gangstars because of me..
21) i miss living with family together..
22) i miss my brother making fun of mom and playing jokes over over and over to make her laugh.
23) i remember the family trips we used to have
24) i remember mom slapping me on a road infront of tons of people.
25) i remember a lot.. cant wite all...

hey Muwwaz, thanks for tagging me.. i really have lot to write.. but i cant....

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

have you heard of multiple personality disorder??

Multiple personality disorder (MPD) is a psychiatric disorder characterized by having at least one "alter" personality that controls behavior. The "alters" are said to occur spontaneously and involuntarily, and function more or less independently of each other. The unity of consciousness, by which we identify our selves, is said to be absent in MPD. Another symptom of MPD is significant amnesia which can't be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.Memory and other aspects of consciousness are said to be divided up among "alters" in the MPD. The number of "alters" identified by various therapists ranges from several to tens to hundreds. There are even some reports of several thousand identities dwelling in one person. There does not seem to be any consensus among therapists as to what an "alter" is. Yet, there is general agreement that the cause of MPD is repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse.

last night, i met a Distanced friend, after... lets say..... (its been days) an year ... i think more than that... anyway he used to be a great person in the early beginning of our friendship.. we started seeing each other ... NO, we used to see each other when we wer in tution class... so lets say meeting each other in the year 2005. he is a polite, quite,weird,.. i dunno how to explain his behavior.. but for sure, he wasnt NORMAL.. that i knew.. but NOT in a SERIOUS way.. well, different human beings are different in their own way isnt it? anyway, we became best buddies.. maybe because he always stayed besides me on every difficulty i faced.( when i had no friends)

now that you've known how much i like him, but here's the weird part... we used to argue a lot on stupid, silly happenings... one minute we wud be having a serious conversation, the next minute we wud be arguing about it.. mostly... we argue because of hanging out with other friends and because of finding about ones personal inner strories and exploring them to others.. these are no silly mistakes we do.. these are the mistakes we deliberately do.. DUE to the anger at a particular time.. ofcourse i've never created such stupidity but he...
so, apparently, this has started becoming a burden... and i didnt wanted to carry his stupidity anymore.. i know he had a hard time in his early childhood.. maybe thats why.. i stayed as a friend whenhe kept on talking about me AT TIMES.. the main problem for me was, HE was a CLOSE buddy of one of my Ex boy friends.. and he had contact with him at all times when we were hanging out which i never figured out.. so what happened in betwen us was.. we would argue argue argue and when we get fed up, we stop contacting each other.. just like that!.. and wud stay for like two months without hearing from each other and then starts seeing each other coincidentally..though its weird...

its more like taking a break... when he gets kicked off from somewhere else, again he would remember me.. i am not becoming proud.. but honestly this is wat happenes.. every time when i break up the ship, i wud start getting long texts from him.. via e mail or sms.. or some how.. still i know, we never had the feeling of falling in love or something like that.. it was more like... i am his crying shoulder and he is mine.. so, me who cant deny when people apologizes, forgives easily with advisable mails... and then again we wud be friends.. and again the same thing wud happen..

this has been repeating since 2005.. for the last time he aid sorry in the year 2008, but i never replied him.. because i knew he wasnt profusley regreting what he did... so i never showed up..
but unfortunately, i again met him and we are now friends.. we had lot to share... our conversation lasted more than 3 hours..
at the begingin of our conver we spoke about the feelings we had for each other,, the respect and all.. but then,, later, i couldnt bare to listen to wat he spoke.. i almost cried when i found out a HUGE truth about his self..

THEN I STARTED REALIZING HOW I WAS TREATING HIM..
THEN I STARTED UNDERSTANDING HIS WERIDNESS...
then i started regreting... it was me who everytime wanted to let go...
it was me who wanted to forget the SHIP..
it was me who never really UNDERSTOOD him but KNEW every bit of him...
he continuously wanted me to stay... but i never gave a shit...

with in this one year,, he suffered a lot,, and the person he always admired to stay..... never gave a shit to find out if he was living... (which is apparently me)

i dunno why i am even writing this... but i really feel sorry for his desease.. can u imagine?? he has been suffering MPD since last year.. DUE to a BIG reason which i cant say here...
when was explainin me how things workedout, i was making jokes over them.. i even said at his face that you must be having MPD.. (was making a joke)... but when he told me wat really happneed.. i freaked out...

dhivehi version of "kasam ki kasam" (Ajnabee movie)

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...
hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

lobi va ey bunan hey
haalu mihithuge engey hey?
kekkuraanan mi hih dhen nimi dhanee ye balaashey..

heyonuvaaney nudhaashey, thiya gothah fasnudheyshey
rola rola hureemey lobi va ey nudhaashey

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...
hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

lobi va enburi aadhey, heyo hithun maafu dheynan
hama yageen lobi dheynan kuriyekey effadhainney
veekameh venimidhiya e, aafeshumakun fashaashey...
maruvedhaaney yageeney lobi va ya nulaa dhen..

hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...
hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..

ey hitha, aan hithaa, kiya bala, lobiva, dhen nudhey.. an amey, hinmagey hifa nudhey nudhey..hitha, ey hitha ey hithaa eyy..lobi va noon ehen yaar neydhen..
lobi vaa attaka hih beyqaraareyy...

lol, this is so stupid of me.. but i got bored and all of a sudden this thingi came in to my mind,, so wrote..
PS: this is to NO one,, i prefer sad songs..like this.. so just came out..

i missed ya

its 15th july 2009...
right here,,, just now...
man!, i love you so much...

to the most precious friend i've ever had...

dearest distanced closest, bestest, coolest, cutest FRIEND..

Hi there, how have you been doing? hope ok, and yeah i'm doing great and felt never good before.. well, atleast now i know that... :) so hey, Its been long time we havent spoken like this... and i know it sounds weird i'm writing you this when i see you now.. but what to do, we've become so distanced right?

anyway, dear, have you been wanting to be so strange with me after being such a nicest friend? were you expecting to be so distanced? sigh! :( i have tons of complains... i know, i used to be the one who kept advising you on being strong and being ownself... but now, i think i cant keep it anymore, when it became a thing about you, things are diferent! i'm hurt, i donno why, but i am! i know i know, you didnt do anything but i donno, i hav the feeling of LEFT OUT thingi u know, it gives me the feeling to cry...
life was so great when i met you... you turned out to be my crying shoulder, the greatest fan of my life.... you used to be there when ever i faced a difficulty, you would never wanna see me in stressed mood.. you would never let me feel bad on anything... you would want me to stay besides you to listen to you, and expects me to come up with good ideas,,, we would have tons of chatting.. wow, can u think of how hilarious we used to be?
did you know, if i havent met you i wouldnt have been able to stop my self doing the damn shitty thing i was doing... and i am so greatful for you.. i really wanna thank you for being the greatest person in my life.. but i guess our time came up.. the world is a cruel thing, now i believe it... it would just show us elutions and leave us in to the dessert of reality and never let us face the truth! unless we realise it on our own...
i had this fear long long before... but was trying to make it up.. was trying to take a pace... was trying to let the fate decide whats gonna happen next.. guess its already seen now.. you used to tell me, how kewl we used to be.. i wonder what happened now,,, we used to share everysingle thing we had in our minds.. why cant we do it now?

maybe i am the one to be blamed... maybe i am expecting too much from the CLOSEST ones.. i've had friends in my life,, some so nice and the others so weird... amongst them, you were the bestest of all... and u knew it very well.. but why do i feel that i m so SO SOO LEFTOUT... u seems like you don wanna share a thing with me.. i feel like you're done with me... i feel hasitant to have a conversation with you... but WHY? this souldnt be happening dear! we used to shout out anything at our faces!! we were so kewl with that...

i wish i cud talk this at your face... but i just wouldnt do that.. cause you the only one who took care of my biggest problem in this WORLD... in my LIFE... and i really am thankful to u for that... but still, its just so unfair for u being so distanced... i wish i cud ever understand what happened, or whats going on...

i am so sorry i had to reach you this way, cause i cant keep it all inside my heart... it hurts.. and the feeling, i don wanna show u or anyone else.. do u know?? people are making up stories about our friendship.. it hurts a lot! i dunn wanna hear them say we look so DISTANCED.
wish i cud get an answer to my feelings..
yours truely friend
pempi

Male' the right destination for the living????

what could you possibly talk about being trapped in Male'?? hmph!!
damn!! its so hard to live here now.. the popualtion increased, the pollution increased, income decreased and expenses increased, the cost of stuffs increased, and the need to want it increased... now, that is a lot of increase and a decrease.. yeah!
i was just wondering about the PLACE..., living in a place like this is a HARD thing! trust me! you need to OWN a place from here... otherwise, just forget it!! I mean, how on earth is EASY for anyone to RENT tiny squares and rectangles for like thousands and thousandsRF?? but i must say, though it isnt easy, people are dying to live here... man!!
thats why i say, the islands need to be developed, it is just so UNFAIR Male' having all the NESSESARY facilities available......
i just wish i had a house with a beautiful garden surrounded.... aaaahhh...
but i bet, it wont ever happen... NOT in Male' for sure... cause u hardly find a tree in any of the areas in Male' .. oh and by the way.. even i am renting a place for *000...

just few words... This tiny island need to be protected,, otherwise.. GOD knows whats next going to happen here... its getting OVERLOADED!!

PS: this is for the islanders like me.. :)

ok here is the story of no updates,,,

my apple desktop has been sent to Male' to windows alhan.. so apprently i coudnt get in to internet in the times i wanted to.
the school computers work like turtles,
and i've been busy as ever..

now lets talk about my birthday..
well, its gone and know what??
i had a boring birthday... :( misssed all my friends)
but but but.. eventually my husband made my day :D
he gifted me a laptop surprisingly.. :D
(sho shweet of him)
but u know, it was a white trick he did.. teehee...
took off the desktop before hand and bought me the lap for my birthday..
(well, not bad i suppose hehe)
neway.. boring things happned such as deduction of OVER TIME for teachers and canceling some items which are planned for the month etc..

u know, i m moody and don feel like doing any work,,
i mean, its like i don have any tasks to do.. its more like 'lets do it' rather than 'i have to do it'..
you know, there is no target or a mission for the work.. i havent had such boringNESS in my life than this... AT WORK,,

i always love to work hard, preparing teaching aids, discussions, building creative activities for the students and you know,, being active,,, i just cant stay in one place.. i wouldnt just stay.. maybe thats why i am so clumsy.. teehee.. but hey! this USED to happen.. not now :(
i wanna be like that, but i cant.. here, its totally different.. the environment is different, the people are different.. i am more quiet than i used to be.. i don wanna get addicted to this :(

i am just sad and feeling hopeless here,.. what do you think i should do? go back to Male'? or stay? well, i am planning to go.. then again i might go for a second thought... dunno..

busy.. busy.. busy..

shit!
mom just gave a lecture!

i've been busy at school.. don get a time to eat.

working in the morning session,

marking after the session,

again at 5 swimming practice..

after swimming practice, theory class at 8 pm..

finishes at 10 30 pm...

before going home, something would come up.. duh!!

life is really busy... :p

and u know, our swimming instructor was teasing me tonight in the theoryclass,, cause i cudnt wake up for the practical which was today early morning.. hmph! :/

oh and by the way... today one of my very close friend got a baby girl.. she is sooo cute.. dhon dhon... ^.^

ok me going to do the lesson plan... aarrgghh!!! principal wants to see the scheme of works on tomorrow... and i haven't yet finish typing it.. *gulp*
ok ok bye bye.. good night..

gods powerfulness

READ IT ON YOUR RISK!!

surely all praise for allah.. we praise and seek his help, we seek forgiveness, refuge from the evil of our own souls and from the wickedness of our deeds. there is nothing but allah, Muhammed is our messanger who we follow.

i'm not trying to show u that i am a very dheenveri person. But lately i've been listen to some dharus of one of our friends. He is younger than me, married and hopefully going to be a father in this year. He works with me in the same school and i've noticed a very strangeness in him. When ever i see him, goosembums arises from my whole body. He is so clean and normal. quite, friendly and RELIGIOUSE..!! though he believes in the deeper world of religion unlike us, he talks to us and works hard like all.
however, one day (on the day we went to Handhufushi) on the dhoni, i heard him talking about our messenger and reciting some hadhith's with the meanings to one of my very close friend. she was listening to him so intentively that i couldnt stay without going to them. So, there i set beside her and then i fell in to his 'dharus'.. and was listening to it till we reach the island. later that night, when i was on bed.. i thought of all what he spoken to us.. every word he said was running in my mind.. i had this fear in my mind thinking that, how intolerable are we human beings to god.. but still he is tolerating us till the judgment day.. god heaven! i coudlnt sleep the whole night thinking of the bad things i've done throughout my life.. (ofcourse as human beings we do make mistakes against religion)

later the other day we (my friend and i ) met him and asked him if he could spare a little time from his shedule for us.. he happily agreed and fixed a time. he fixed to meet us after the day and so we were there to meet him at school. after a long day of work, he agreed to meet us just for the sake of allah, to help us know more about the religion we are following. We are named as MUSLIMS but actually NOT! i personaly believe it now.. i used to bully people who have long beards and wear short trouses... NOW i regret it! (yeah! there are people who act as MUSLIMS BEING so but all arnt same) well, after meeting this guy, i've changed my mind.. i've started understanding that what we know abt the religion is just a 20% of 100%.. we neeed to more.. and thats why our eemantherikan is so down!
we believes that we know a lot, but actually we dont know.. we dont know HOW painful is our graves, we dont know what REALLY happens after the death, we dont know what REAL EXAMS we fail after the death, we dont know what strange things we face after the death.. we SIMPLY DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING IN the other world!! and if u say you know and you dont pray, then YOU ACTUALLY DON UNDERSTAND WHAT RELIDION IS!

however, these are just the facts that i've learned from him.. now i cant tell u what he explained us right.. just please, beware that you are a human being and god is guiding you over and over again. i can tell u a story he told us.. which happened in Saudhi;
there was a family who had all boys and only a girl. she was the youngest. ond enough studying in a college. her brothers go for the prayers, her family is a religious family, but she doesnt pray at all. she loves going out, hanging around.. never covers her body etc etc..
after days... in her young age she died and when it was time for the funeral, her elder brother brought a man for kiyeveli kiyava, sandhokah elhumuge kanthah kuran. Her brother shoed him the room where she was kept. He showed him the room and when he enterd, he locked the door from out side. the dhannabeykalu walked towards this girls gaburu, she was wrapped with white coffin and the whole body was covered with a white cloth. the man stood beside her and lifted up the sheet to see her face. As he saw her face,he started trembling and to his surprise eynayah e fothigandun kuliyakah dhookohllevunee.. gai birun, dhaahillamun dhuvvaigathi dhora dhimaalah.. dhoru hulhuvaashey bune bune dhoreh nuhulhu vi, mi meeha ge hithelhey adu mulhi kotari thereyga.. mulhi meehaa birugenfa hurivarun angayah aihaa echceh kiyan gos inee kotareege kanakah vadhe. fahun gaburu kairiyah nuves dhey,, hama innanee, innanee.. dhen mihen indhe indhefa.. meeha hamayakah elhuneema thedhuvegen yaseen matheega huregen gossi allah aa vakeel kohffa e kujjaa kairiyah.. dhen gossa avaha kiyeveli kiyavaa, kuranjehey kameh kohffa nimigen gos i have finished my work ey,, dhiru hulhuvaashey buneema dhoru hulhuvee.. as the door opened, he rushed from the place. RAn, ran and straight away went to his house. took a fresh bath prayed to god and layed on his bed. he stayed in bed till three days. cause of high fever.

as soon as he got well, he wanted to study what happened to this girl and how she died. SO, this man went to meet her family and asked about her. then, her bother told him that she wasnt at all religious and he also appologise for locking him up in the room. He said that he had to do that because no one was willing to do the formalities after looking at her. her brother has invoted 6 people to do the formalities and non stayed to do so. everyone screams and run away after looking at her. and this man was the 7th one. so he just wouldnt be able to get another person to do all the formalities and thats why he did it.

THE GIRLS FACE WAS TWISSETED AND THAT SHE WAS ALL BURNT UP. SHE HADNT HAD HER NORMAL SKIN WHICH WAS WHITE. SHE WAS SKINNY AND LOOKED AS IF SHE WAS TORN OUT. SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE AND ANIMAL. THE SCARY THING WAS THAT, HER WHOLE FACE WAS TWISTED. but it was said that, she didnt die due to any accidents or anything. it was a sudden death and that nothing strange happened for her to die like this.. its just gods will. allah nubaivegen alhunna maru dhakkavaanee veyneffadhain.

i've seen my this religious friends fathers foto (on the day of his funeral) he had a smile in his face,, he looked as if he is dying peacefuly,, a e varah mai insaaneh.. ehen v ma solihu alhunna mai allah suvaruge dhakkaane kamaki kashavaru kamehkkan yageen. emeehun ge maraki ves rakkautheri echceh kan hama yageen..

my friend(girl) and i were so hairaanvefa eyna kiyaidhin vaahakathakun.. we asked questions on what we wanted to know.. and he was a helpful person i say.. he advised us about certain things.. and insha allah we are trying to follow the real religion.

just thought to share you guys.. tc good night..

rainy day (my own rhyme)

hi guys, i am here with a nice song for the kids... well this is my first OWN song.. i created this by my self.. so give an ear.. :)





Rain drops, Rain drops falling down,

its so rainy pouring now,

thunder thunder i can hear,

its a noisy sound so loud...

what was i doing in the last week....

hi guys..
how how....

hey i've got exciting news.. did u know?? on 25th some teachers and i were awake at school making the stage for the quran competition.. it was a hard work.. i'll drop in a photo of the back stage...we were able to finish this on the other day... :/


after that....

our school had a trip to HE'RE TH'ERE (Handhufushi island resort) with the grade three students on 28th..... wow!! the place was so amazing.. we had a lot of fun there... sang songs, showed the kids some presentations, did a leaf let from each group. (there were 17 groups, each group had 5 or 6 students) more over had a swim in a pool.. the kids were having a blast!!
i must say.. the staff there were very generouse and helpful.. the kids got a chance to interview few tourists after the presentation regarding TOURISM.. they asked sillly questions though.. hehe.. neway thats the story of saturday..

let me tell u abt today.. ok!! emme ufaa v miadhu visa card hedhuneema yoo.. heheh.. finaly i have it.. and i am glad that i was able to save the last months salary in my account... neway.. i paid my internet bill, gave a little treat to the closer ones, went out with motherinlow to shop.. bought a shoe and a slipper.. :D hoohhoohhh... new slippers ooo.. hehe..
errr.. now i feel sleepy.. guess thats all for today and tomorrow.. hehe aslu mirey i am in a GOOD MOOD.. good night..


here are the shoe and slipper.. (varah reethi echcheh nufeney mi rashun :( )

schoooooooooll and children..

(this is the craft work of my parents and i in the PST DAY and we got first!) :)




hi guys.. long time no updates huh...

i've been really busy these days.. plus NO INTERNET at home..

i couldnt pay the bill. My cash card is expired and my account cheque book is over.. i've applied for a visa debit card last month and yet havent got it.. so still waiting for a call from Bank.

Its really difficult without having cash with me.. but managing... :/ hmmm, wat else happened....

oh yeah.. i've been doing great work at school and i'm pretty happy abt the job..

i must say, its very much same abt Male' Schools and island schools.. the only difference is the building.. other than that everythings perfect.. infact i love this place, specially the huge PE ground where i can take PE for students. Also i sometimes Play there with the teachers there.. its fun u know... :)



but still.. it wont ever be the same right??.... :( i can never be happy here as i keep remembering the moments spent in Male'.. i some times daydream places of Male'.. One day i dialed a taxi center to get a cab and guess where was i calling to??? hehe yeah! to a Male' taxi center.. as soon as i realised it...hung up the phone without saying a word... aaww.. i just wish i loose my memory and never rememberes Male'...



hmmm.. what else.. oh yeah! now adays i've been learning few new songs which i am singing for my students.. and they seem to love them... i used to sing with them after interval and thats with actions.. i lorrrve to see them act so funny... u know.. the interesting thing is.. after the session they would try to recall the lyrics of the songs and if they cant.. simply would come and wihtout hesitation, would ask me... and i feel proud of my self to know that my kids are so close to me... today i told them that i have the keys of there mouth zipper.. and that after zipping their mouths they should handover me the keys every starting of my subject periods.. and to my surprise it worked.. i was glad to see them stay the whole period without uttering a single word... well yeah.. they were talking.. but using their hands.. tehee.. and its pretty enjoying.. i let them sing on their own when they do their PA works as well...



guess i've written a lot... oh one more thing.. you kknow.. lately i've been decorating my classroom like a garden cause the theme we teachers have choosen for this month and the coming month is garden.. i'll put up a photo once i take a snap.. so i'll rush from here and see ya laters... missed you guys a lot.. still at school... ta ta..

Ya RaBbAa....

oh my lord,

is this the punishment or the reward for love?
tell me my heart?
why isn't the series of hurt never vanish
why does it has so much to examine?
how dreadfully are the stories of love been written,
it never know...

no matter how much sacrifices it attends,
the person my heart targets' never cares.

how can the destination of the loyalty be shaped,
cause there is no easing of the problems in my heart.

heart beats are been stunned,
breathing has become difficult..
my lips always mention you and thinks of the memorable moments.
aaww someones life is ruined of wanting someone so badly...

no body listens to the deep crying sighs of my heart...
no ones there to hold my trembling body, to give me a hug..
half fulfilled are my wishes,
broken are all my dreams..
discouraged are my thoughts in suspect, has a wall of hate built up?
even in victory there is the feeling of loss..

"never to ask the ones who experience the pain of love
that, how is smiling and how is happiness..
cause there is always a fear of danger, over their heads.. at all times...
sometimes here, sometimes there""

PS: its the meaning of the song 'Ya Rabba' and its really meaningful..

THE lifes about......

what is life??? eh?

well... different people consider life differently as they face different scenarios in times.. what i am trying to say is, life it self cannot be destroyed or perfected unless you do it. people destroy their lives (even though its me) just for the sake of hope, and love. i wonder how many of you all think of what you have done in your past when you realize how wrong your decisions were for the future.... LOVE isnt everything in life,, happiness is more important than love i suppose.. o.O

most of the girls fall in love after seeing the honesty, loyalty, and the caring that they never expect... but what happens when they start the relation??? things begin to change.. and unknowingly the betrayals get involved... wait a sec.. abt the betrayals.. well there has to be a HUGE reason to occur the betrayals isn't it?? of course without a reason nothing would happen and i personally believe it... betrayals WILL BE there, IF THE RELATION SHIP IS NOT THAT STRONG...cause we are human beings and there are certain things we human beings cant controll in our lives.. anyway.... wat ever it is....

one thing which i am sure and you all will agree on is that, a married life, or a boy girl relationship cannot be perfect if its one sided... nomatter howmuch you try, you can not make it.. cause its ONLY you who is trying and not him or her.. however people believe that its better to pretend normal when nothing is infect normal.. people tend to serach happiness in llives where they know that they can never reach to it.. hence life leads to a failier and you never know your life is been ruined.. time can never heal it.. unless you find a better way to seak happiness rather than just staying and pretending that your OK...

well.. some peoples life is all about THE MISTAKE once they did.. where you had a choice of re-correcting it and not attending it... which you have no choice of undoing it in future... however, once the decision is been done.. you tend to think this.."what the fuck have i done!! this is not worth living!!!" and you got no other option than staying in your life due to cerctain circumstances or for the sake of your so called love and time you gathered to build this life....and so u cry watching others beautiful lives.. and thinking when would u have the chance to have a happy life... (and thats why i say life sucks!!)

PS: this is just a random thought about life.. its nothing to do with MY LIFE.. :)

intolerable life!

just another night with tears and fear all around me,
its just another heart breaking night which reminds me of the betrayals.
what a pity, i never realized how strong you were..
too cleaver, too smart...
no worries, no pain you showed..
happily accepted future with me...

BUT

was it a show off ? or a plan??
you arnt like before..
you would tell me you love me,
but u r scared to take a risk in life..
cause you know that i dont love you...
u say u love me but u never stay with me..
i don wanna believe you,
neither wanna love you...
you know that very well..
you never deserves me,
and i never deserves you..

we can never have a same to same attraction,
cause naturally we are different..
i am water and you are the fire
if i love blue berries, then you'd love black berries.
if i love enjoyment, then you'd love seriousness,
i love to have friends but you hate them,
i love sharing and you love hiding,
i love talking but u dont..

i say, we can never be together but you say we can..
why? where is the answer for that??
i hate you for tolerating me
i hate you for ruining my life,
i hate you for accepting me...
i wanna hide my self from you..
i wanna live a better life...

i wish i had never gone to you...
but i cant leave you either...
cause i know, there is no human being so unique like you..
you are loyal and understanding,,
you never took me granted when all did..
you were there for me when ever i needed someone...
you loved me as if it was a must for you...

but its so pathetic to be with u when i totally cant love you...
just let me go...
this is killing me all inside..

why? why?? why? WHY? aaarrgg!!!

why did mom buy me WHATEVER i wanted, when i was a kid?

why did mom stop buying me WHAT EVER i wanted, when i grew older?

why did mom forbid me for WHAT EVER i wanned to do?

why was i forced to do certain things which i never liked?

why did i make friends with whom they never cared me?

why was i so scared to let my parents know whts with me??

why did i try to hide when i had my first bf?

why did everything turned out unexpectedly scary?

why was i so stubborn when i never understood a thing?

why was i so different from others in my family?

why couldnt i trust my friends?

why do i pretend happy when i am not?

why cant i have a life of my own?

why cant i make others happy?

why do i feel guilty everytime??

why do i have a huge PAST??

why do i accept anything which i get instead of having what i want?

why did myself believe that its love when i know that it isnt??

why couldnt i have another chance to undo my mistakes..?

why cant i have faith in me?

why do i dream when i know that my dreams can never be completed?

why am i so quiet when i am actually not!!??

why did i decide to stay here??damn!!

why do i THINK so much abt life??

why am i WAITING for??

when am i gonna get answers for all these questions??

and WHY am i even writing this??

somebody pls please, do something! :(
*sigh

misssing you my dear!

oh my dear,
missing you here,
so badly yeah!!

i'm having this fear,
that i might loose you there,
even my eyes cant bare this tear,
which is waiting to see you near..
oh pls, come back soon in this year...

missing you loads my darling piya! ;P

^_^

picture by me

BORING!!! =T

BORING...
BORING...
BORING...
BORING...
SCHOOL OPENED!!! HMPH!!

by d way.. how is the pic? o.<>